Postpartum

See this little girl here? I don't think I knew what love really was until she came into my life. She is my sweet, funny, smart, adorable girl. My favorite companion. We have an incredible bond.

Want to hear something crazy? When she was first born, I did not feel attached to her. Don't get me wrong, I took care of her in every way she needed care. But I did not feel that instantaneous bond that I assume most mothers feel. After a challenging pregnancy and an unwanted c-section, I then had a baby with colic. And I had postpartum depression. And I felt very isolated. At that time, I didn't have a support system here in Michigan, and Walt worked long hours. I was home alone, during a Michigan winter, with a baby who never stopped crying and never slept longer than 20 minutes at a time. It was physically and emotionally exhausting and miserable, and I didn't think it would ever end. I felt really hollow and sad, and I felt immense guilt for not really liking my baby very much. 

But I went through the motions during those first 12 weeks... and then she started to smile on occasion. And maybe she would occasionally sleep for an hour straight. And after our initial struggles with nursing, she was finally feeding well. And I could say that I not only loved her, but I liked her too. And then another 12 weeks went by and, all of a sudden, I had a happy baby. She giggled and smiled all the time. She loved for me to read to her and play with her and snuggle with her. She was super attached to me. And I was super attached to her.

There is no perfect birth story, I suppose. I look back on that time and it makes me teary... but I did the best I could, and it turned out just fine. And Stefanie and I became the best of friends over the years. I can't imagine that our bond could be any stronger... she is the light and love of my life. And I know she feels the same about me.